Pirates Versus Ninjas Read online

Pirates Versus Ninjas

  By Andy Marlow

  Copyright 2011 Andy Marlow

  Discover other titles by Andy Marlow:

  The Creative Sponge

  The Reasonable Man

  I Love You

  Do I Exist? And Other Philosophical Questions

  The Lawyer

  Pirates Versus Ninjas

  “Today has been a momentous occasion for us all,” bellowed Captain Bluebeard merrily. He gazed around at those assembled around him in the Hog’s Inn tavern on Cutthroat Island: to his left were the ninjas; to his right, his pirates, and at the head of the table, in front of them all, was Steve the Tyrannosaurus Rex, their surprise special guest who had united them all so suddenly.

  “We owe our good fortune to our friend here, Steve Rex. Let’s all give him a big hand.”

  The pirates erupted in spontaneous, rapturous applause; the ninjas, silent and stealthy as ever, looked uncomfortable and surprised by such a public display of affection, but participated still. Steve was embarrassed by it all. He was not used to such attention: his existence up until this point had been a solitary one, living out his days in the forests of Cutthroat Island. His only companions had been the quarry he killed to survive. He had loathed that life and loathed himself, for although his instinct was predatory, his personality was not. He was that oddest of things: a vegetarian carnivore, who, simply through the accident of his genetic design, was forced to eat the carcasses of creatures he adored. He would weep his way through every meal and sit in depressed silence when he wasn’t hunting, contemplating the evil he was responsible for.

  Yet now he was a hero. Because of him, many deaths had been averted today. The eternal war of pirates vs. ninjas which had raged for centuries had finally been put to an end by the hand of a kindly dinosaur stranded from his time. He would have smiled at the reception he now received, if indeed a dinosaur’s facial muscles would have allowed it. As it was, his anatomy was not designed that way; so he merely emitted a happy growl and gazed lovingly at the little creatures sitting around him.

  “Oh, I thank you,” he said. “I owe you my thanks because you saved me today from my life as a brute. You allowed me to save life rather than take it, and you introduced me to Quorn! I never need kill another animal again!”

  The pirates raised a cheer once more and lifted their glasses to their reptilian friend. Their beers spilled down their beards as they drank. A pirate starts his day with a bottle of rum, so drunkenness was a way of life for them; the dinner we now observe was taking place at eight o’clock in the evening and most of the assembled crew would have been almost paralytic by noon. Honestly, it would be surprising if they remembered Steve or the amazing events he had inspired come tomorrow. Yet now they did, at least temporarily, and the atmosphere was buzzing.

  “You are too modest,” uttered Hirosaki, the ninja leader. “You have done us a great honour today. We bow down to you.”

  That they did: the six ninjas stood up from their seats and leaned their torsos as low as they could in a sign of respect. The pirates found the whole scene hilarious and laughed at their strange new friends, who had so recently been enemies.

  “But why were you fighting in the first place?” asked Steve. “What started the war between your peoples?”

  Bluebeard leaned forward to explain.

  “It’s a long story, Steve…”